If there is no title then it is not a relationship and no excuse or brief background history on you two will change my opinion. People say this is a grey area and all relationships are different but I highly disagree and let me explain why. For those who say “We agreed to only see each other” then something is being unsaid or someone could possibly be hiding something. The entire purpose of being exclusive is then defeated if you two are not boyfriend and girlfriend.

By nature, guys tend to go with the flow and if you two seemingly have a good thing now why would he want to ruin it? What ends up happening so much time has passed without a title feelings get involved and we become reluctant to walk away in hopes one day he will say “hey let’s be boyfriend and girlfriend.”

What incentive are you giving him to make that commitment? You two are already doing everything couples do without the added pressure.

So why would he ever make that change? Don’t make it too easy for him. I know we all hate ultimatums and want to seem like a “cool cat” but days could turn into months and months can into turn into years. No matter how “exclusive” you two are you both still are technically single.

You’re leaving the door wide open for him to potentially meet someone else and he couldn’t be at fault because he’s not your boyfriend, right? Relationships can be complicated and full of mental and emotional distress, but dating is supposed to be fun. It’s not longer fun when someone has already acknowledged they want more of a commitment and the other doesn’t.

The dynamics of the “relationship” has already changed and you’re silly to think if you can keep this up for much longer with no title. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. If you two can’t get on the same page then maybe it’s time to move on, don’t you think?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Keith-Kirkland/1445059015 Keith Kirkland

    As a person who has been in a “non-titled” relationship for 5 years, I completely disagree with you.  I respect that you choose that reality for yourself, I really do.  But I also feel that it is a little premature to over-generalize about the entire population.  My stand on it is very simple… If you NEED the title to believe my commitment, then you aren’t the one for me.  Just because he/she gives you a title doesn’t necessarily mean he/she is committed to you or your relationship (think of all the people you know in monogamous relationships that they are planning to end, but still go through the motions like they are going to be together forever). 

    Too many people spend too much time to get the TITLE thinking it will define the interaction and make it “more meaningful”.  A title is a DESCRIPTION of your interaction, it is not the DEFINITION of it.  And guess what?  If he “meets someone else” when you didn’t have a title… he would still “meet someone else” if you gave him one.   Giving the title doesn’t stop him/her from meeting that person… Nothing does.  And nothing, except the individual commitment to the boundaries that you both created, will prevent him from moving on that other person as an option. 

    Not trying to pick a fight, but part of the problem with most relationships is the fact that everyone thinks there “one type” of relationship.  Everyone tries to take their individual, unique and organic shape and make themselves fit into the same size square holes.  Rarely ever does one-size-truly-fit all.  And in the rare case when it does, it’s more by random fortune than by design.  Just like shoes, whatever you choose has to fit you. 

    When/if we get married, me and “my girl” (notice the use of the title for ease of explanation) have decided that its just going to be a “Ring and a Party”. A time to dress impeccably , have a great time with friends and reaffirm the commitment WE HAVE ALWAYS HAD FOR EACH OTHER.  My morale, if you believe in such things, is that the interaction and the connection that you have with another person is what makes it meaningful, the title is just an easy way to explain that you feeling you have inside to SOMEONE WHO IS NOT YOU so that you can relate on a SIMILAR (but not exact) level of experience.  So that when you tell you girl “I got a boyfriend” she has a vague idea of what this guy means to you.

    Go for what works for you.  And don’t be afraid to try something that has never been done before!  Look for your own happiness within and the trivialities of whether you call him a dog, a bear, a boo, a boyfriend or a husband won’t matter more than the connection that you share with each other.

    Keith

    • http://www.facebook.com/jlmb157 Jessica Murray

      I didn’t intend to over generalize the entire population, I only meant to point out a growing trend I noticed and give my opinion on it. I’m more than happy that you and your partner are secure enough in your relationship that titles are not needed. I wish everyone could be this secure but unfortunately most of the population are not or maybe we just are not that trusting. You are absolutely right, a title does not define a couples interaction with each other but from my experience people are usually more comfortable and secure when a title is attached.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Keith-Kirkland/1445059015 Keith Kirkland

        Thanks for clarifying that.  And you are right as well.  In my experience with other people and their “relationships”, there are always level of dishonesty.  And I understand why now… People are so connected to the sense of “security” that a title provides that maybe they believe they are do good for themselves by being dishonest.  I have 2 friends who are a couple and the constantly (2-3 times a year) cheat on each other, and they lie because they believe they are protecting themselves and their partner.  If they were both completely honest with each other, they could create a relationship that all the love they current had with the freedom to occasionally interact with someone outside of each other.  This, would serve to reaffirm their love (because they love each other enough to give them the freedom) as oppose to take away from it.  I’m with you though, most people need a title the same way most people need the law to keep them honest… I just wish there was a way to help people see a better path.

        Keith

    • Lisablack058

      Hi Keith & Jessica,

      I disagree with the title aspect. Keith says, “he has been in a relationship for 5 years.” So is Keith not labeling himself in a monogamous situation? In which defines him as being (steady) with that one person. Which then creates a false since of security to him and his significate other.
      Yes, indivisual’s will need to determine the way she/he would like for their relations to be. However, your actions will dictate the course of the relationship among the two persons involved.  In my experiences the people who do not wish to be titled or labeled are the ones who are trying to have their “cake and pie and eat to.” They like the functions of a relationship but are not equipped for the commitment. There are no new terms to justify a relationship, you are either for it or against it, and Keith I believe you are against committing to a ”my girl” when it is not your best fit.
      Notice how Keith applied a suddened title “my girl.” My (girl) is the old ”status quo” that identifies this person in spoken for.

       As for Jessica, I totally agree with your analogy “Title does not define a couples interaction with each other but people are usaully more comfortable and secure when one is assigned.”  Thus, making it okay to define a relationship you are most happiest with and in time committing to each other in “holy matrimony.”

      By the way, Keith are you still involved in your 5 year relationshio to you (girl?)

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Keith-Kirkland/1445059015 Keith Kirkland

        You are perfectly fit to disagree, Lisa.  But where I disagree with your disagreeance  is that you try to take your point of view (“Which then creates a false sense of security to him and his significant other.”) and placing them onto my life. 

        Not that I’m taking it personally, but this is exactly the conversation that perpetuates across society.  Lisa, honestly, (if I were putting my view point on your life) I would think that it is rather silly to believe that there is any security in anything… Especially in anything that exist outside of your own mind.  Titles don’t create security, the way you treat that person everyday does… As a matter of fact, there is nothing that can create security for you.  And here is where people who think like me really gain a benefit.  I don’t need you to create security for me.  I create it within myself.  So I don’t need anything external to validate that security (including a title), and at the same time, nothing can invalidate it (me seeing her kissing another man).  That’s is part A of the equation.  To believe in security is believing that something that doesn’t exist (security) should exist and that there is something wrong when the thing that doesn’t exist anyway (security) doesn’t actually exist (having a false sense of security).  Without all the circle talk, people believe that the title gives them security, but when has a title ever stopped you from doing what you want to do?!  And a little bit of “real talk”, if a title has ever stopped you from doing something oyu truly wanted to do (whether it’s backpacking through India or having sex with the girl/guy you met at the bar) then the title is the problem, not you…

        Part B is that when you really see the light of letting go of things that don’t matter (such as security through titles), you get a open and honest view of the person sitting in front of you.  You know that they, just like you, are only here because of freewill and that the choice is made ever single day, every single minute, and every second.  That is the essence of love… It’s all in the consciousness of the choice.  In relationships, you (not you, but the universal YOU) fly on auto-pilot after a while because you have lost sight that the person being there is choosing to be there. It becomes the default.  And maybe the person you are “with” has lost sight of the choice they made, too.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t have an understand between the 2 of you to create ,TOGETHER, what the boundaries, purpose and benefit of your union will be.  You should do this even if your just having a fling.  Its the responsible thing to do because it makes sure that both people are coming in with the understanding of each others hopes and expectation, and it gives a means to correct them (or bail out) if they are not in alignment.  But I am sure you can see, this is not the same as dragging them along blindly pretending to be there but not wanting to be, and it is much more evolved than trying to keep your partner at home with a title while you sneak out and do what you please (I’m am not advocating either!).

        Also, there is nothing “wrong” with titles, if you and your partner create the meaning behind what the title is.  The problem comes in when you use the definitions that have been created over the decades by people other than you (or you in past situations with past people) and try to shove you and your “significant other” into the square hole of that interaction.  If you have a wonderful relationship and you are willing to throw it all away because he/she hasn’t decided to call you something (assuming everything else is perfect) then (putting my point of view on the life of whoever this fits) that is the silliest thing I’ve ever heard!

        Keith

  • Judith

    Woow that’s deep, I didn’t know that guys usually wait for us to make the first move. I personally wouldn’t ask about being in a relationship with me because I don’t look desparate or want him to feel tied down. I’d rather wait for him to make the first move, so I know I’m not making a mistake/ pushing him away.

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